Poop Etiquette in Public Restrooms
Updated: May 28, 2020
We at Ken Palmer Plumbing make the effort in enforcing poop etiquette in order to make our job humorous and an overall more user friendly experience for the rest. Tune in and enjoy.
TNT Usually after a long night with alcohol and fatty foods, the following morning is welcomed with a TNT poop-a-thon. Machine-gun farts light up the restroom. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH This means that the user flushes the toilet the moment the logs hit the water. This action reduces the fragrance effect in the air, which can help you avoid the walk of shame.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. SHIRLEY TEMPLE
A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA-OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE. AUNT BETTY A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees! SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
The King Poop: This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Bali Belly Poop: You poop so much you lose 5 lbs. Cement Block: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop. Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house. The Bungee Poop: The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water. The Crippler: The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Party Pooper: The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. If this happens, then call your Santa Barbara Plumber.